What if I told you that Clifford the Big Red Dog, that loveable giant rascal that graced the books of your preschool years and haunted your dreams at night, was still alive and well on the internet? And that he is still putting out new titles, but that they seem to have grown up alongside his audience and that I absolutely would buy and read all of them if only someone had the balls to write them (and get the rights to them from Norman Bridwell).
Well, you say, wow, I am not at all surprised because that’s why I clicked this link and that’s why I am here. Fuck you. It was rhetorical or whatever. Give me a break. Anyways, here they are in their maginificent and wondrous glory, ranked from best to worst.
- Clifford Fucking Launches a Cat
I honestly want to know what amazing genius paged through these books and thought “Tee hee, that cat is fucked!” because this is the one that started my journey. One moment I was searching Clifford, the next I was laughing and eagerly digging around for evil Clifford. This is the kind of find that tears people’s eyes off the road and slams them into tree trunks. It’s A+ amazing and if it doesn’t make you spit your coffee out through your nose when you read it then you are dead inside and there is nothing on this planet that can bring you back to humanity.
2. Clifford Commits a Homicide
You can’t tell me that isn’t funny. You also can’t tell me that illustration wouldn’t involve at the very least PETA throwing about lawsuits as they drenched your house in red paint and demanded that giant red dogs are people. But I’ll admit I cheated here – this one got number 2 only because the quality of the number 3 picture is garbage. Otherwise, headline-wise, this next one is way funnier . . .
3. Clifford Kills My Grandma!
I believe it too. In fact I firmly believe that Clifford, over the course of his six or seven years of life on this planet, is almost certainly going to see everyone he loves die under the tremendous weight of his idiotic excited dog leap. The only ones who will die in any other fashion are those unlucky enough to walk behind him when that tail starts wagging. Ever been whipped by a helicopter blade, over and over again?
4. Clifford Takes a Huge Fucking Shit
Clifford is a dog. What do dogs do? They shit, then eat it, then shit again, then roll around in it, and jump on grandma when she comes by to visit. I love this title because it brings a lot of much needed realism to the titular series. The only think that is missing here is Clifford getting all growly with Old Man McGee there as he yells at Clifford’s owner, and then tearing the man’s head off like the straggly thread of a chew toy.
5. The rest of them
It’s a wild place out there folks and as much as I’d love to continue wasting my money not getting paid to provide you with memes and commentary, I’m gonna wrap it up here and bid you adieu. Want bigger and better blog stuff? Buy my books. Just enough of them so I can retire and do this full time haha. Wanna stay up-to-date with my blog? Sign up below or join up at my facebook fan page.
Damien Hanson writes books. Check them out at https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B089X3WB7W/