San Diego, CA, 2020 – “Facts don’t care about your feelings,” Ben Shapiro cackles without emotion as he cuts the yellow ribbon, opening the doors to the greatest, least empathetic convention on the planet. The neckbeards and youtube zealots stream in, a selection of the finest most select IPAs in their hands, and gold coins in their pockets. “I would have brought my bitcoins, but that’s electronic,” one man jokes entirely unemotionally. His facts are solid and they do not care about my feelings on the matter one iota.
Spring is in the air and in each and every step as notable figures of the “Feelings are Bullshit” crowd man their booths. Here, near the entrance, we have the lockstep machines known as the Cybermen. “We think of the humans,” the unnamed spokesman tells us in eerie emotionless words. “We think of their difference and their pain. They suffer in the skin. Their feelings make them irrational and illogical. They must be upgraded.” Ben Shapiro nods his head in agreement as we walk away. “They make a great point,” he confides, his face refusing to show anything more than grim determination.
The place is alive with arguments and screaming, each punctuated with staccato rejoinders and comebacks. “Economics 101,” a neckbeard concludes, verily defeating his latest competitor. “Fuck off Lieberal,” ripostes another.
The lights dim and everyone goes quiet. What’s this?! In comes the tromp of the Borg! “You will be assimilated. Your emotions are meaningless. Resistance is futile.” People scream and cheer, unemotionally, as they brag about how fact-based and superior they are to all others.
“Oh shit,” someone yells from behind me. I turn to see the glorious figure of Neil DeGrasse Tyson staring in fear at the cybernetic hordes. “Imagine a world where I’m pretty damn sure I just came to the wrong convention and I need to go!”
It is just a day in and the place could not be more happening. Come in and take a look. You’ll lose the ability to be happy to have done so!
Sconnie Books 