A GLITCHWORLD FAN FICTION
Your other-mother.
“Deck this!” Cade yelled firing on a giant elven robot wearing green Robin Hood tights and a pointy elf hat.
“Why did you do that? It was harmless,” Lily said.
“I always hated that movie,” Cade answered standing up and adjusting his C.U.N.T, power armor. It use to be huge but after a fight with some Necrolites and a crawl through the sewers the smell was just too much and Lily had Cade strip it down. For now he only had a few pieces still equipped and looked like he had just walked out of an Australian post-apocalyptic movie. Not that he cared. He still felt cool as hell knowing his armor was one of a kind. A prototype just like the nanites he injected himself with before starting his epic quest. Lily on the other hand was wearing her work uniform with a few clear pieces of armor over the top. Still, she was armed with a giant sword and a hunting rifle that could one-hit-kill most goons. She called the hunting rifle ‘mother fragger’ and the sword was named sword, because honestly Lily wasn’t that creative despite how often and how much she tried. It was possible this is one of the reasons she became a programmer, graduating college with high honors, rather than a street performer or artist as she wanted to be when she was young. In fact, one of the things she admired about Cade was his creativity.
Earlier…Both he and Lily had crawled through sewers and survived the dawning of the nanopocalypse but when they thought they were home free they found themselves under attack by an alien ship. Unwilling to crawl back into the sewers Cade and Lily started fragging, killing, all that stood in their way until they made their way inside one of ‘Prestige Gamings’ Research and Development labs.
Cade was young and smart, athletic, he had trained months for this only for this stream to fall apart less than halfway through his first day in ‘Prestige Gamings’ newest augmented reality theme park. Now, with the girl he should be dating Lily by his side he’s found a new purpose in life. Survive long enough to get the fuck out and bang Lily.
Lily was too good for Cade in every way. Way smarter, way more athletic, and completely out of Cade’s league. The fact that she had any interest in him at all was amazing. Sure, they hit it off and had a relationship in college but with their lives going in separate directions the two became best friends. This was no ok. Not anymore. As aliens dive bombed from the sky above throwing down purple oddly shaped projectiles at them the only thing Cade cared about now was Lily. Neither his viewers nor his life compared and and that was the truth. Now, he just had to find a way to tell her.
“Looks like we’re ok for now,” Lily said holding her giant sword in hand. She had just rolled a perfect 10-10 taking down a saucer all on her own before the two would-be heroes dived inside the R & D facility.
“Thanks for the assist back there,” Cade smiled. This was the second time Lily had come to his rescue. The first, just as impressive as the last.
“Yeah, no problem,” Lily paused blushing, “I’m glad your in one piece.” She couldn’t take her eyes off him. Sure they were best friends but she cared about him more than he knew. When Cade came to her asking if she could get him into ‘Prestige Gaming’ she didn’t even hesitate.
“LOOK,” Cade shouted awkwardly, “a tunnel!” And of course, a little more than a a hundred yards away was a large tunnel.
“That’s weird, I don’t…”
“Lets go see if there is someplace safe on the other side,” Cade interjected.
Lily knew better. The R & D facilities at ‘Prestige Gaming’ were off-limits for a reason. And still, she couldn’t ignore that look of wonder Cade still held in his eyes. Everything here was a new experience… that and outside the facility there was an alien invasion currently taking place with ‘oddly shaped’ purple projectiles that she wanted to be nowhere near.
“Just let me check my LABIA and make sure its ok,” Lily said reaching down for her game pad. It was top of the line, shiny, and she had managed after some quick fingering to hack into all of ‘Prestige Gamings’ networks. However, when she checked she couldn’t find them on any of the companies maps. They were off-grid somewhere in the northern part of the estate, The ‘Prestige Gaming’ estate was about the size of a state.
“Any idea what’s ahead?” Cade asked looking at Lily’s eyes he knew something was off. Usually, even when the worst was happening around them she was upbeat and peppy. Now, however, with only the unknown ahead of them she was acting afraid.
“Its nothing, we’re just a lot farther north than I thought we would be.”
“We were running from those Necrolites for awhile after the sewers,” Cade said trying to reassure her. But he was wrong. Lily had made a mistake. When they were crawling through the sewers she thought they had been heading towards the T.I.T.S but somewhere underground they had taken a wrong turn. They were lost and it was her fault.
“Are you ok?” Cade asked again placing his hand on Lily’s shoulder. His heart nearly skipped a beat when he did. Her white dress shirt was thin and he could feel the warmth of her skin from underneath. Both of them had been running for awhile and were sweaty, hungry, and thirsty.
“I’m fine,” Lily said lifting her head. She felt like she was on a winning streak. She rode into Cade’s rescue on a steam powered Tyrannosaurus Rex and saved him twice now. She wasn’t about to break his heart now by telling them they were completely off the map.
“Lets go see if we can find something to eat, maybe there is a break room we can break into,” Cade stuttered.
Three hours later Cade and Lily find themselves walking through the cold tunnel and come to a forest. The tunnel has led them outside into another play area of Prestige Gaming’. Lily reaches down to check her game pad again and finds she is completely disconnected from the network. This she hopes is a sign that they won’t run into anymore rogue NPCs or any of the dungeon worlds that have gone active.
“Is this real?” Cade asks turning towards Lily.
“I don’t know, I gave myself a nanite injection and can’t access the map, but it feels,” she reaches out and touches one of the trees, “real.”
“Look, doorways,” Cade points to several fake trees covered in six foot by three foot panels covered in different colors. One is blue and white, another orange that resembles a pumpkin, a third is pink and looks like a bunny, a fourth is green, and the fifth is red and white.
“I think we should turn back,” Lily suggests saying the smart thing.
“You smell that?” Cade asks his hand already up against the red and white door. As his warm hand touches it he feels a cold breeze begin to blow around him. “It smells like milk and cookies.”
“Cade. Seriously, something is wrong with this place, we should turn back.”
“But I’m so hungry,” Cade said his mouth practically watering.
“We can eat after we get somewhere safe,” Lily said. As she said the word safe, snow started to fall around them and there in just ahead of them they saw a clearing with a log cabin.
“That looks safe,” Cade said pointing.
“How many horror movies have we seen take place in a cabin JUST LIKE THAT,” Lily pointed out standing in front of Cade stopping him.
“It could be an old hunting cabin. Maybe Prestigious CEOS come here when they want to hunt real game,” Cade interjected. Lily stopped and thought for a moment, she wouldn’t put it past any of them to have a private hunting ground on the property. She had heard rumors of the bowling alley in the basement so this wasn’t that far a stretch. Before she could react though Cade grabbed Lily’s hand and started dragging them both towards the cabin. As they approached the snow started sticking to the ground. Lily, visibly cold began to shiver.
“Here,” Cade said putting his arm around her. His C.U.N.T was warm and adjusted to the temperature. Another benefit of the prototype armor that he was wearing. When the two would-be lovebirds reached the door of the cabin the smell of milk and cookies was sweetened by the smell of chocolate. Now, both Cade and Lily’s mouths were watering.
“Should we knock?” Lily asked.
“I’ll kick the door back, you ready your rifle,” Cade said. Despite believing they were safe he still wasn’t ready to take any chances. “Don’t fire unless fired upon, if there are other survivors in there we should be able to recognize them.”
Outside the cabin door Cade jumped up and kicked the door with the bottom of his foot. It hurt way more than he would have liked but the door flew open and the two survivors could feel the warmth of the air as it rushed outside brushing against their rosy red cheeks. The inside of the cabin was empty though there was a fire going in a nice fireplace decorated with ribbons and bows. In the corner of the room was a Yule tree with silver streamers and blue ornaments. On the wooden floor of the cabin, in front of the fireplace was a bearskin rug and sitting on a plate… milk and chocolate cookies.
Cade jetted inside and checked the corners of the room with his own rifle before telling Lily it was safe to come inside.
“Take off your clothes,” Cade said.
“What?!” Lily turned towards Cade with a cookie in her mouth. Her eyes widened.
“You’re wet. Take off your clothes,” Cade said pulling at his C.U.N.T.
“Cade, I know we’ve… but..”
“Seriously, we’re both wet from the snow, we should dry by the fire while we can. We should leave here soon as we can,” he answered. Lily swallowed the cookie she was chewing whole as she stared at Cade.
“Are you ok? Your pupils look dilated, and you’re sweating,” Cade said moving closer to her. He placed his hand over her forehead. She was warm but not sick. “Want me to help you,” he smiled.
“No, I’ve got it,” Lily said taking a drink from the milk that had been left in the cabin. She knew it was a bad idea breaking in here but it couldn’t be helped. They were both starving.
As Lily began to slide off the clear armor guards she was wearing she could feel her heart beating faster. Cade leaned over and she closed her eyes. Her hand moved towards his thigh. She had wanted this for forever.
“Stop,” Cade said, “I hear something.” Cade quickly reached over and grabbed his rifle which was right behind Lily, as he moved across her she could feel his heart beating just as fast as hers.
“Cade,” she began to whisper but as she leaned towards him the door burst open and standing in front of them was a 7-foot tall elf.
Now…
The 7 foot elf stood with a smile across its face singing ‘DECK THE HALLS WITH…’ as Cade stood up.
Deck this!” Cade yelled firing on a giant elven robot wearing green Robin Hood tights and a pointy elf hat.
“Why did you do that? It was harmless,” Lily said.
“I always hated that movie,” he answered, “and I think we’ve walked into a trap.”
“No shit, what I tell you about cabins?” she said. It didn’t really matter that it was a trap, both of them felt safer inside the cabin than they did in the cold snow outside. Unlucky for them though, the walls of the cabin dematerialized and around them in the snow they saw the bodies of dozens of ‘Prestige Gaming’ employees that had been hidden before.
Surrounding them were several more elves though these were smaller all wearing red and green outfits, pointed black shoes with bells, sharp vampire like teeth, and holding staffs in the shape of peppermint candy canes.
“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, I know where we are!” Lily said in a panic.
“Where?”
“Fucking Christmas Town,” she answered grabbing her sword.
“That doesn’t sound so…”
The sound of several giant yeti’s cuts Cade’s response short as the elves look around and scatter into the trees.
“What was that?”
“An abominable snow monster,” Lily said.
“You’re kidding,” Cade said turning around and seeing a giant Yeti, sixteen feet tall, it looked like a Frost Giant only hairier, blue fur, gray skin, and small tusks that came out from the sides of its face. Each finger on its hand was larger than the head of a human and it was staring right at both Cade and Lily.
“Run or fight?” Lily asked turning towards Cade.
He wanted to shout for the two of them to run but he also knew why Lily had asked. Cade was a pro gamer and had the experience they would need to survive this new world. If he thought they could win, she would believe in him and fight until the end.
“We fight,” Cade grinned. His C.U.N.T was hanging down below his waist, pieces of it spread out along the ground around them. Once again he could feel the cold rush around him and Lily. The floor of the cabin was the only thing that hadn’t dematerialized around them. It was amazing, the power the nanites held.
Lily fired first quickly sheathing her great sword and grabbing her rifle. The giant snow monster let out a cry in pain as she nailed it with a roll of 7-8. Unlike Cade she wasn’t using a modifying roll system but she had great luck. Cade fired next knocking the Yeti’s health down to half before it dropped both arms on the ground and roared again. A moment later it was running for them. Cade and Lily scattered. Cade jumped and rolled right while Lily jumped and dodged left. The snow covered Cade’s chest and back as he dropped to a prone position on the ground and fired a critical hit at the snow creature’s chest. It turned to him as he used his arm to push himself back up and began running for the tree-line.
Lily knew their rifles were useless. The only way to kill the snow beast was going to be with a bladed weapon. They had to cut deep into its flesh and down to its very core to make it stop.
Leaping through the air Lily landed on the creatures back. Unsheathing her sword and bracing herself by grabbing the creature’s fur with her left hand she flipped the sword around and dug it into the Yeti’s skull. Reaching up she grabbed it and as the monster reared backwards she began to drag the great sword downwards. Down across its spine against bone, against ribs, until she was near its hips. There she pulled back and fell into the warm red snow that surrounded her. The creature roared again as it fell in front of Cade, half naked standing with his rifle pointed at the creature.
“It’s dead,” Lily said reassuring him. She knew it wasn’t over though. The cabin had been a trap but the yeti wasn’t the one that had set it. She had heard some of her co-workers talk about this program. Christmas town was meant to be a fun adventure to the North Pole only it was a reskin of a goblin dungeon diving adventure. There was something else though, something she couldn’t remember.
“You’re amazing,” Cade smiled running over and offering Lily his hand. She was covered in blood from head to toe.
“And you’re nipples are hard,” she responded grabbing his hand. As she stood up beside hi he couldn’t help but notice her white work uniform was soaking wet and see through.
“We should probably get our gear back on,” Cade smiled trying his best to stay focused on Lily’s face.
“Cade,” she reached out, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards her. She wanted to kiss him and he wanted to kiss her too. They were so close back in the cabin. It was near perfect. And the happiest either had felt in a long time despite their current circumstance. Their lips quivered as they leaned into one another. They could feel fireworks only more, this was on par with the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs. Cade grabbed Lily as she dropped her weapons to the ground. She wrapped her legs around him as he lifted her up into his arms. Their lips still hadn’t touched yet as they stared into one anthers eyes. Leaning back into one another Cade lost footing and like something out of an early 21st century movie was falling backwards in slow motion across the pools of blood that surrounded them. Lily could feel Cade’s crotch as she stood up and smiled. Both of them were laughing, covered in blood, happy to be alive, happy to be together.
Brushing her hair back Lily began to lean forward. This time it was really going to happen. Only it wasn’t. From deep in the woods they could hear sleigh bells jingling ring ting tingling. Santa was coming to take their crowns.
“HO, HO HO,” the words echoed around them like a jolly deep growl. Cade rolled over on top of Lily and grabbed his rifle from the ground. He was acting as her shield as he looked in the direction of the sound. There he saw an empty sleigh being pulled by several zombie reindeer.
Buried with her back in the snow staring up at Cade who looked ready to kill she remembered… Santa had been a reskin of a Lich.
“My game pad, I need to grab my game pad,” Lily said pushing Cade up off of her and running back towards the cabin. She slid across the snow and down across the hardwood floor reaching out and grabbing her gamepad which had been left sitting on the bearskin rug. Cade followed quickly behind her with his rifle at the ready. He knew they were being hunted.
“I thought you couldn’t access the map?” Cade said looking down at Lily who was frantically fingering the gamepad.
“Look! Glowing VAGINA!” she shouted showing Cade the gamepad.
“I don’t know what that means,” he shriveled back still holding his rifle at the ready while more snow fell on the ground around them.
“The flashing dot is a boss monster!”
“So you’re telling me Santa Clause is this level’s boss monster?”
“Santa Claws,” she says making a claw motion with her hand.
“Ok, well, can you tell where Santa Claws is?” Cade asks repeating the claw motion Lily had made with her hand.
“He’s down on the other side of that hill,” she pointed.
“Well, lets go take the fat bastard out,” Cade said.
“You don’t get it. It’s Santa Claws, we can’t just attack him head on. He is being guarded by those elves and god knows what else.”
“We take the sleigh,” Cade pointed. “Keep an eye on the VAGINA, if it moves towards us at all I want to know. Last thing we need is Santa Claws getting the drop on us. I’ll grab your weapons.”
Cade walked over and picked up Lily’s weapons from the blood soaked ground before walking back to her and putting on the rest of his armor. The C.U.N.T was warm and he felt 10x better wrapped inside of it. Fighting without his armor was dangerous and he knew he would have to be careful not to do it again.
“So what’s the plan?” Lily asked.
“We ride the sleigh into the workshop and frag anything that crosses our path.” Cade smiled. This is what he was good at. And with his mod in play he knew the two of them had a fairly decent shot of killing Santa Claws.
A few minutes later Lily was steering the sleigh over a hill and they saw the Workshop. A massive structure that looked like it was a bunker surrounded by the same elves they had seen before, snowmen wearing magic hats with teeth and claws made of icicles, button noses, eyes made of coal and behind a giant glass window sitting on a throne was the fat man himself. Santa Claws looked like a giant, red nose and cheeks, wrinkly skin with a long white wizard beard. His clothes were red with white fur only it was all stained in blood. Behind him was a massive red bag filled with what Cade hoped was loot, and in front of him was the workshop. Conveyer belts with more dead employees that had been warped and mangled to look like tin soldiers, dolls, rubber duckies. Boxes and stockings sat in piles with feet and arms sticking out from the top.
Lily steered as Cade fired round after round. Rolling between a 10-8 and 10-9 on every shot. It was better this way. With his mod still active Cade was overpowered as all hell. Lily was surprisingly good at steering the sleigh on undead reindeer and was even smiling when they drifted in the snow breaking through the front door of the workshop.
“Enough of this,” Santa Claws said in a deep voice.
“You two have been on my naughty list for quite some time. Stealing milk and cookies, slaughtering rare animals, fornicating in the open. I’ve got two lumps of coal just for you,” Santa Claws continued.
The giant Santa Claws reached behind him and from the bag pulled out the most massive DICK (Disintegration Induction Chain Katana) covered in runes.
“Jingle this fatass,” Cade said firing a 10-10 into Santa’s balls. The giant Santa fell to its knees going ‘Ho, Ho, Ho,’ over and over again. Santa’s DICK flopped on the ground and disappeared.
The sun was beginning to set when Cade and Lily finally had a moment to rest. They stared at the bloodbath around them. Dead elves, severed snowmen heads, and a giant Santa Claws with its crotch blown out still alive, reached out for them. “Not so fast,” the monster said, “have you met my friend the Krampus?” Cade and Lily turned just in time to see a very tiny goat with human arms sitting on the ground behind them chewing on an severed elven arm. Both Cade and Lily laughed.
“Looks like no one ever finished the update,” Lily smiled.
Both her and Cade exited the sleigh which took off in the other direction with all seven zombie reindeer. Cade walked over to the giant Santa, smiling, and said, “Merry Christmas,” as he delivered one final blow to the fatman.
Exhausted Cade and Lily set up camp using Santa’s workshop as a place to rest for the night. Cade fell asleep and dreamt of Lily wearing nothing but red ribbon wrapped around her while she stayed up and stared at the stars… wondering if they were real or if the nanites had claimed the dome in the sky as well. It was then she saw PISS falling in the sky from their direction.
PISS = Priority Intra-office Shuttle Service)
Had rescue come at last and if so why was it crashing into the ground?
About Stephen Landry
Two dogs, a cat, and a dragon.
Stephen Landry’s writing includes sci-fi, fantasy, horror, LitRPG, and post-apocalyptic fiction. Inspired by the works of Hayao Miyazaki, Jeff Vandermeer, classic science fiction, LitRPG, dungeon core, video games, movies, and anime. Stephen’s work is usually filled with unbelievable monsters and characters. Stephen is also an award-winning graphic designer, producer, and musician whose goal is to encourage and inspire others through storytelling.
Create. Inspire. Evolve.
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