BuyMort Brief #4

Giant Race of Lobsters listens to translated Jordan Peterson, takes Serotonin. Millions dead.

Written by: Tracy Mills, NewsCom Multiversal Incorporated

Saturday, Odessa VIII, Universe QB-7. The cries can still be heard from broken lumps of tattered tar and crashed rubble. There is a sense of despair in the air, a feeling of betrayal. The humans and the lobsters had always been friends here. So close. So united.

That was until the discovery of Petersonism.

“First it started with just a few crazed fans, clacking their pincers and talking about the human who spoke divine truth about their superiority as a species. Soon the numbers grew, lobsters talking of how weak and pathetic us humans had made ourselves, speaking scripture from their holy Peterson books,” said Adar Bozer, a human Odessan refugee. “But that all went even worse when they did that Awakening ceremony of theirs.”

A coalition of Odessan Affiliates stated that since Sunday they had been engaged in ferocious battle with the mighty crustaceans and had thus far lost three warships but, more critically, all major coastal cities had been overrun and ruined.

Ironically, the war that began Saturday night came a day after numerous sea-based human-led affiliates granted new MortBlock coastal territories to the “LobsterDivine” as their new affiliate now called themselves. They signed the landmark territorial agreement that had been hammered out over weeks of negotiations aimed at relieving the sudden spike in hostilities.

“If they can’t respect that we have given well more than was fair to keep the peace, then we’ll let high-precision, long-range missiles take care of things,” Affiliate Coalition Commander Tracy Evans said.

Observers to the Awakening ceremony noted that they listened to Saint Peterson speak of serotonin and lobsters, before killing the audio and handing out massive doses of the stuff to all lobsters in attendance.

“I left after that, and all my friends who stayed behind, well, I don’t think they made it,” stated one tearful survivor. “Why would any human in their right mind feed lobsters serotonin? For their physiology it is essentially a rage drug!”

To date, all BuyMort-ascended Earths thus far contain no surviving instances of their Jordan Peterson.

This has been Tracy Mills, reporting.

See the story of the Multiverse at

Published by Damien Lee Hanson

I am the founder of Damien Hanson Books. Come check out awesome authors right here at my website!

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